5 Things Not To Say To A Cancer Patient!
- drteoyinkeong
- Jun 18, 2024
- 3 min read
Updated: Apr 8
Johor, Malaysia
When someone you care about is diagnosed with cancer, it's only natural to want to say the right thing—to show support, love, and concern. But here's something many people don't realize: Some of the most common comforting words or questions we ask can actually make cancer patients feel worse, not better.
I’ve spent years walking alongside cancer patients through their most vulnerable moments. And I can tell you with confidence: our kindness, if not expressed with care, can cause psychological discomfort or stress.
So if you truly want to support a loved one with cancer, here are 5 common things not to say—and why:
1. “How do you feel?”
This may seem like a harmless question, but have you ever thought about what kind of answer you're expecting? "I'm fine" or "I'm in pain"? A detailed medical update? Or a smile to reassure you?
Whether someone has just been diagnosed, is in the middle of treatment, or already in recovery, this question can feel like a constant reminder: “You are a cancer patient.”
Over time, it becomes harder for them to blend back into society or feel “normal” again, because they’re repeatedly reminded of their illness. No one likes to be stereotyped by their cancer diagnosis.
2. “Is your cancer serious?”
Let me put it this way: any kind of cancer is serious. Just hearing the word "cancer" is life-altering. You might think, “Oh, it’s just Stage 1, it’s curable,” and say this to comfort the patient—but to them, it doesn’t feel like “just” anything.
Here’s why:
To a doctor, severity may be based on stage.
But to a patient, severity is defined by how cancer impacts their life—physically, emotionally, financially. Even Stage 1 cancer can disrupt a career, strain a family, or lead to deep anxiety about the future.
So please, don’t say: “Don’t worry, your cancer isn’t serious, it's highly curable at this stage.” Because for the person living through it—it is serious.
3. “Is there anything I can help you with?”
Again, good intention—but this question actually puts pressure on the patient to figure out how you can help, and how much they can ask of you without feeling like a burden.
Most of the time, patients won’t want to “trouble” anyone. They’ll smile and say, “It’s okay, I’m fine.” But they’re not.
If you truly want to help, be specific:
“Can I bring you dinner tomorrow?”
“Want me to pick up your kids from school this week?”
“Would you like some company at your next appointment?”
The most valuable help isn’t always in big gestures—it’s in your presence. Do something simple with them. Chat. Watch a movie. Go for a short walk. So that they'll feel life isn’t just about fighting cancer.
4.“Do you smoke or drink?”
Please, don’t ask this. When someone is newly diagnosed, they’re already questioning everything—“Why me? What caused this?”
Asking whether they smoked or drank may come across as blaming them for their illness. It adds unnecessary guilt to an already overwhelming situation.
Truth is, not all cancer is caused by lifestyle habits. Did you know that many female lung cancer patients have never smoked a single cigarette in their life?
So instead of trying to assign blame, just be present. Show empathy, not judgment.
5.“I understand what you’re going through.”
This one sounds caring. But unless you’ve had cancer yourself, you don’t truly understand.
Even I, as a doctor who treats cancer every day, will never say this to a patient—because I haven’t lived it. I can listen, I can care, I can support—but I will never be able to know exactly how it feels.
Saying “I understand” may shut the conversation down, or make the patient feel like their emotions are being dismissed or minimized.
So... What Can You Do Instead?
Here’s my sincere advice as an oncologist:
Don’t play the role of a doctor, expert, or lifestyle coach, by telling them how to love their live moving forward.
Don’t tell them what to eat, what to avoid, what supplement to take.
Don’t buy anti-cancer products hoping to “help.”
The best gift you can offer a cancer patient is this:
Your time. Your companionship. Your willingness to just be there without judgment or pressure.
Sit with them. Laugh with them. Be okay with silence. Let them feel that life still has colors—and that they are not defined by their illness.
Cancer is hard—but knowing someone truly cares makes it a little easier.
Cancer Awareness & Education Brought To You
By 👨⚕️Dr Teo Yin Keong | TEOncology
Clinical Oncologist, Johor, Malaysia
马来西亚新山肿瘤专科医生张引强
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